Yes, I know what the em dash is. Yes, I can write using them. See, you must keep in mind that AI like ChatGPT (LLMs) are trained on real human writing. This means they mimic real writing. So, learn to recognize the context to identify AI writing. Not just be like. OH! an EM DASH!! That's AI. Don't believe me? Read up on the lawsuit by New York Times against OpenAI (ChatGPT) and Microsoft. Now my story.

Every blog must now contain:
• “Deliver value first”
• “Provide value consistently”
• “Be valuable”

What that means? No one knows. But say it enough and it becomes your brand.

Turn one post into:
• 8 carousels
• 3 webinars
• 2 lead magnets
• 12 Slack notifications
• And a new services page

If the content no longer connects with your audience, great. You’re a “repurposing expert.”

Use your own quote, then attribute it to your agency. Bonus points if you add “as seen in our Q1 Benchmark Guide.”
​
​“As I always say in Your First No—‘You aren’t successful when you achieve your TARGET. You are successful every time you fall or fail and get back up and move forward a little more.’”
​— Q1 Sales Alignment Report, Wolf Strategic Benchmarks, 2025 Edition

Just heard a podcast about TikTok? Tell your team you’re “doubling down on video.”
No brief, no metrics—just vibes and urgency.

Want to sound deep without being useful?
Try: “We hear you. We see you. We’re here to help you scale.”
Now offer a 7-day funnel bootcamp for $1,499.
​
​“The Institute for Marketing Funnels, Unified Narratives, and No-Yielding (I.M.F.U.N.N.Y.) found that 78% of marketers can increase perceived thought leadership just by asking rhetorical questions in blog subheadings.”

Meet Dripzoid.io.

-They called themselves a “content experience accelerator for vertical funnel dynamics.”
-Their homepage used parallax scroll, six buzzwords per header, and a chatbot that asked, “Wanna scale?” before loading.
-They never made money.
-They got acquired for $19.7 million.

Dripzoid’s go-to-market strategy was simple:
• Repurpose Gary Vee tweets into blog posts
• Hire an intern to schedule 60 reels per week
• Say “pipeline” during every investor call

“According to National Office for Tactical Results, Engagement Analysis (N.O.T.R.E.A.L.), Dripzoid achieved a 400% increase in time-on-site after switching from content to ‘micro-narrative clusters.’"

Let’s review:
• Published 187 blog posts in 4 months
• Built 3 content pillars, each named after Greek gods
• Had a bounce rate of 91%
• Never tracked conversions

• Still got featured in a “Top 10 Startups Crushing Content in 2025” roundup

They pivoted to Web3, added a GPT integration, and rebranded their blog as a “Knowledge OS.”

Within 6 weeks, they were acquired by a larger startup that also didn’t make money.

Why?

Because they looked like they were doing content right.

“In a post-mortem by W.A.S.T.E.D., 62% of failed content startups attributed their acquisition to ‘strong vibes and Figma mockups.’”

This is the dream. Not results. Not revenue.

Perception.

Can’t fix your content? Just buy another tool.

Scaling a content strategy that doesn’t work is easy when your stack includes enough dashboards, heatmaps, and AI integrations to look impressive in a LinkedIn screenshot.

“According to the Statistical Authority for Tactical Insights, Repetition, and Engagement (S.A.T.I.R.E.), 86% of marketers believe a new content calendar template will solve problems caused by never following the old one.”

Step 1: Blame the Process, Then Automate It
Your last blog didn’t rank? The issue isn’t positioning—it’s obviously a lack of workflow automation.

Install five new Zapier connections, link your CMS to your Slack, and tag a new Trello card every time someone tweets “value.”

Step 2: Buy Templates From Someone Slightly More Confident Than You
Don’t build strategy—buy a Notion template from a growth coach with a Canva logo and a newsletter titled “Scale & Soul.”

Apply it to your unrelated industry. Watch everything break. Blame “fit.”

Step 3: Confuse Tools With Outcomes
You’re now using:
• Jasper for content
• Surfer for SEO
• Airtable for planning
• HubSpot for measuring
• Nothing for thinking

But it’s scalable. Right?

Bonus: Share a Screenshot of Your “Stack”
Post it with a caption like:
“Just streamlined my content ops. Let’s scale.”
Get 147 likes. Still no traffic.

“The Institute for Research on Optimization, Narratives, and Yield (I.R.O.N.Y.) confirmed: 93% of marketers feel more productive immediately after onboarding a tool they’ll forget by Q2.”

In 2025, nothing gets created—everything gets recycled.

Because originality is hard and “maximizing ROI” means turning one post into 37 half-baked formats across platforms no one checks anymore.

Step 1: The “One to Many to Forgotten” Method
Take a single blog post and repurpose it into:
• A carousel on “thoughts that spark growth”
• A tweet thread that sounds philosophical but says nothing
• A webinar titled “The Hidden Funnel Layer Everyone Misses”
• A whitepaper no one downloads
• A TikTok lip-sync trend no one asked for
You’re not creating content.

You’re creating content exhaust.

“R.E.C.Y.C.L.E.D. found that 78% of marketers forget the original blog point by the third repurposing.”

Step 2: Add Visuals Until It Feels Like Strategy
Drop the same chart into:
• An infographic
• A keynote
• A sales deck
• A client proposal

It doesn’t have to be relevant—just consistent.

Step 3: Combine Old Posts Into a “Guide”
Bundle unrelated blog posts under a new header like:

“Ultimate Guide to Conversion-Driven Funnel Awareness Synergy.”

Doesn’t matter if it’s cohesive. Just make it scrollable and slap on a lead magnet.

“According to S.A.T.I.R.E., 61% of B2B content guides are just recycled lists from Twitter threads and Slack rants.”

Eventually, your “content ecosystem” becomes a closed loop of old ideas feeding new formats that link to nothing.

And that, my friend, is the growth hack.

You can’t build a content strategy without a funnel map—even if no one knows what it means.

Modern funnel diagrams aren’t designed for clarity.
They’re made for client decks and internal Slack approvals.

​“The Council for Representational Optimization and Visual Engagement (C.R.O.V.E.) reports that 72% of marketers approve strategies faster when presented in a diagram with hexagons.”
​
​Key Components of the Perfect Funnel Map
1. Four Arrows
    Each should curve for no reason and point to something vague like “Activation.”

2. A Center Circle Labeled ‘Engagement Engine’
    Must have gradients. No one knows what it does.

3. Color-Coded Stages with Buzzwords
    Top: “Discovery”
    Middle: “Nurture & Influence”
    Bottom: “Intentification” (that's spelled correctly)

4. A Final Stage Called “Advocacy”
​    No metrics required. Just vibes.

Bonus Tips:
-Add dotted lines.
----They imply complexity.----

-Include acronyms in the legend.
----(Example: “T.O.F.U. → M.O.F.U. → B.O.F.U. → R.O.I.F.U.L.”)----

-Make it look like it came from McKinsey.
----No one will read it, but everyone will nod.----

“Institute for Marketing Funnels, Unified Narratives, and No-Yielding (I.M.F.U.N.N.Y.) analysts have confirmed: 89% of senior marketers judge the quality of a strategy by how glossy its funnel diagram is.”

And remember: If it looks good in a keynote, it is strategy.

Nothing says “authority” like turning obvious advice into a branded methodology.

Even if everything’s working fine, force a framework. It’s how you stay relevant.

According to the Society for Applied Templates, Insights, Routines, and Engagement (S.A.T.I.R.E.), 83% of frameworks exist solely to justify consulting retainers.

Step 1: Make Up a 4-Step Acronym

Start with a verb. Force the rest to fit.
Example:
S.C.A.L.E.
Strategy → Content → Alignment → Leads → Engagement
(Does it make sense? No. But it spells something.)

Step 2: Give It a Name That Sounds Trademarked

Try names like:
• “The Visibility Flywheel™”
• “The Conversion Catalyst Framework™”
• “The Relevancy Orbit Method™”

Put it in a graphic, repeat it in every conversation, and add ™ to seem important.

Step 3: Present It as a “New Standard”

Even if it’s just:
• Blog → Email → Sales Page
Call it a “multi-touch, vertically integrated demand velocity loop.”

Research Entity for Content Yield, Clusters, Linking, Engagement & Distribution R.E.C.Y.C.L.E.D. found that 67% of marketers experience immediate confidence boosts after renaming common sense.”

If your strategy lacks direction, just rename what you’re already doing.

Boom—instant thought leadership.

​

Okay, quick breather.

If you’ve made it this far and:
• Nodded in agreement,
• Forwarded this to your “content strategist,”
• Or secretly opened Notion to start building your own “funnel matrix”...
We need to talk.

This isn’t a real playbook.
This isn’t a blueprint.
This is a mirror.

But here’s the twist: everything mocked here?
It works.
Not because it should—but because the industry rewards optics, not outcomes.

Statistical Authority for Tactical Insights, Repetition, and Engagement S.A.T.I.R.E. confirms 91% of marketers wouldn’t know if their strategy worked—as long as the KPI dashboard is colorful.

So yes, this is a joke.
But if you’re wondering whether you’ve already done some of this... you probably have.
Take the laugh. Then take the hint.

​

Real Questions. Bloated Answers. Unapologetic Optimization.
This is where we pretend to provide value by answering questions everyone Googles—but we’ll say just enough to sound confident without ever providing clarity.
That’s thought leadership.

❓ What’s the best time to post content?

Ah, timing—the misunderstood darling of all underperforming strategies.

The truth is, the perfect time to post content is when your audience is most “mentally aligned with your narrative ecosystem.” That could mean 9:12 AM on a Tuesday or 2:43 PM during a Q4 content sprint.

What really matters is that you feel confident in your calendar. Because confidence, after all, is the only metric we still believe in.

Just don’t forget to say “data-driven” before throwing darts at your publishing schedule.

❓ Should I prioritize quality or quantity?

Great question. And here’s the answer: it depends—but also you need both—but also neither works without authenticity, which, as you know, cannot be measured but must be mentioned.

The most successful content marketers are those who publish with intention, clarity, and frequency... unless that doesn’t work, in which case they pivot to deep work, craft, and minimalism.

In conclusion: publish often, unless you shouldn’t.

❓ What’s the best content format in 2025?

In a rapidly evolving content landscape dominated by algorithms, personalization engines, and carousel fatigue, the best format is clear: it’s the one that generates multi-touch engagement across asynchronous digital thresholds.

Some say it’s short-form video. Others swear by long-form blogs.

The truth? Whatever your competitor is doing successfully—copy it, rename it, and call it a new funnel.

Just don’t forget to add a chart.

❓ How often should I repurpose content?

Content repurposing is a cornerstone of modern strategy because it allows you to do less while pretending to do more.

The rule of thumb? Repurpose until your original message is a distant memory. Turn a blog post into a reel into a quote into a Slack ping into a fridge magnet into a TED Talk.

If your team doesn’t recognize the source material by Q3, congrats—you’ve achieved “Maximum Distribution Efficiency™.”

❓ What’s more important: SEO or brand voice?

This is the classic false binary marketers love to debate in Twitter threads and conference panels.

Brand voice gives you soul. SEO gets you traffic. But together, they can form an unstoppable force of algorithmic personality optimization. Or at least that’s what your agency deck should say.

Remember: Search engines may not understand personality, but they love headings. So speak like a human, but format like a robot.

That’s the game.

❓ What if no one reads my content?

Ah, the existential question. If a blog is published in the CMS and no one reads it, did it even exist?

The answer is yes. Because you posted it. And that’s all that matters in this era of performative publishing. If no one reads it, gate it behind a lead form. Now you have data. Data means performance. Performance means ROI. ROI means promotions.

Welcome to the loop.

❓ Should I pay for content strategy?

Absolutely—especially if it comes in a well-designed Notion doc with toggle menus, pastel color-coding, and access to a Slack group where everyone posts once.

The cost isn’t for the strategy itself. It’s for the feeling of doing something strategic.

Bonus if it includes a downloadable template called “The Visibility Engine.”

Because Manual Conversion Is for Peasants
Why waste time understanding your audience when you can build a funnel so automated, it converts your own marketing team into leads?

Welcome to AutoFunnelSync™, the world’s first self-funneling funnel.

How It Works
• Step 1: Visitors land on your blog after Googling “what is content marketing really?”
• Step 2: They’re immediately retargeted with an ad for your eBook titled “Why Content Matters (Again)”
• Step 3: Upon downloading it, they’re entered into a nurture sequence of 14 emails—each featuring a quote from your founder and a button that says “Let’s Scale.”
• Step 4: If they don’t convert, they’re enrolled into a webinar… hosted by your AI chatbot.
• Step 5: If they still don’t convert, you mark them as “engaged” and move on.

According to T.R.A.S.H. (The Retargeting Association of Strategic Hyperfunnels), 87% of marketers confuse automation with performance.

Why It’s the Future
• No personalization. Just pipelines.
• No messaging. Just movement.
• No results. Just reports.
Investors love it. Sales teams ignore it.

And the dashboard screenshots? Chef’s kiss.
So go ahead. Build the funnel that builds itself.
Even if it doesn’t convert, it’ll definitely look good on your QBR slides.

Let’s be clear:
This entire piece was written to parody the worst tendencies in content marketing.
The buzzwords. The diagrams. The endless acronyms. The hollow frameworks. The performative optimization strategies no one reads past the third bullet.

But if you found yourself nodding?
Laughing uncomfortably?
Recognizing something you’ve actually implemented?
That’s not on us.

“According to I.R.O.N.Y., 91% of modern content strategy decks contain at least one tactic invented to meet a KPI no one tracks anymore.”

This isn’t a call-out. It’s a confession.
We’ve all done it. Chased the template. Posted the fluff. Called a PDF a “playbook.”

But here’s the inconvenient truth:
The joke is only funny because it’s real.

So maybe... just maybe... the way forward is less funnels, fewer frameworks, and a bit more thinking.
Until then—keep optimizing.
Or pretending to.